We live, we learn. We hurt others, others hurt us. I just hope and pray the ones I have hurt know that at the times I did so because of information given to me by others. Like the stubborn rogue I am, I believed what I wanted to believe and in turn, I hurt people that may have truly cared for me. I do not even begin to know how I go about making things right with them, nor do I know if things will ever be right between us. I do not even know if what was said to me was true or not. Maybe what I thought to be true, wasn't. Maybe these past months I have been living in denial about certain things, believing what I wanted to believe because it was "easier" to do so and not listen to reason with others.

There are two out there that I have done this to and I doubt with every being in my soul they will believe how truly sorry I am for doing what I did to them. I do not even know how to shor nor tell them......................

Well, Ze is no longer with us it would seem. I am going to miss her a great deal. I hope she knows how much she was loved here and how much she will be missed.

Things are going pretty good all around though. We were able to get a new member. He's a great guy, seems to make us all laugh and think at the same time. It seems it's just what the guild needed at the moment also.

It would seem we missed out on the plot, which is ok with me. We will have to wait and see if and when the Gods open up a new one, which they should, but no one knows the mind of the Gods.

I have laughed the past couple of days like I haven't done in a long while. It has felt so good. There are a few out there that has gotten me to just laugh and forget all my problems, and ya know, I'm loving it.

I've finally removed the ring and the bracelet he gave me, but I'm not getting rid of them, they hold too many happy memories for me to do so. They do still stand for the love that we shared, and well, he will always be in my heart no matter what. I've come to terms with that. The memories are something I can take out at times and remember and smile, but I can't let them run my life anymore like they were doing. I must move on, the guild and my friends need that from me, and I am trying my best to do so.

I came here, one of my hiding spots, last evening, to think. It seems I feel asleep here also. The dreams I had were conflicting, the memories we made together mixed in with some stuff I pray will never come true.

The guild has come to mean so much to me now, it's the only thing it seems that I can really put my energies into. I know we are struggling. I knew it was going to be difficult when he first brought the idea to my attention. But I never dreamed it would be this hard. I am trying my best here to keep it afloat. I really want to know what the members think, and where they want to see this guild go. Sometimes I wish the answers would just be in a book that would fall out of the sky, but I know that isn't going to happen. Hopefully I can get with each of them to see what they are thinking.

I remember when he first approached me with the subject of starting a guild. He told me he would be there to help me all the way. At first he was. He's the one that got the plat for me, found Ze and then Ams. He was also the one that helped to bring in our first members. There's no wonder why everywhere I look, I am always reminded of him in some way or another. Even when I am out training in the explorer's camp, I hear his words to me ringing in my ears about smelling like goat. That would always get me so defensive, then I couldn't help but wind up laughing. Hopefully one day soon it will not be this difficult on me. I know I shouldn't rush things, but I must admit, I am tired of this feeling of dispair and hopelessness........................

Well, it seems I was able to get the answers I was looking for and now not being able to say anything because I was asked not to do so.....GAH.....it aggrivates me so much and really makes me mad...............

I am still trying to seek the answers I am searching for. So far I have not been successful at doing so. But I am not giving up hope. The answers are out there, I know this, it's finding them that seems to be pushing me like I've never been pushed before. I do not want to rest until I have what it is I am seeking. Like I've always said, the truth will reveal itself eventually. I do understand that by seeking what it is I'm seeking, that some things may come out that I may not like, if this happens, I must remember not to get too upset because of them. I know what it is I feel in my heart, and I do believe nothing will change that. I think one of the ways I can find what it is I'm seeking is by hiding back into the shadows and to start observing again. Eventually, all things will reveal themselves to those who wait..................

I have been perplexed by a few things. To say the least, I have found out some things that has really got me upset. I want to get to the bottom of some of it, to find out what's going on and why some things were said, but I really don't know how to go about doing it. To say something about someone that isn't even here anymore where they cannot defend themselves, well, that really gets me mad. Who ever did such a thing should be ashamed of themselves, specially if they do not know the real reason why something happened. Rest assured I will get to the bottom of this. I don't think I will be able to hold my tongue once I do.

Some people have told me that I am too easy going, that I take a lot from different people. Maybe they are right, but it's also because deep down I do hate confrontations. I try to avoid them at all costs. But now I have come to realize that some things just can't be avoided. In doing so, if I upset some people, so be it. If it turns out to be some of my friends that I upset, then they must realize why I have to do what I feel I must do. I am tired of sitting back and holding my tongue. I have done it for too long now. Those that know me well, they know that I truly care for them, for it is only them that I allow to get to know me as a true person...................

We have the points to buy the plot, I'm just waiting to get everyone's input on what they think and such. Hopefully we can have it soon. It's another wait and see moment. The only plot that is available, I really don't like where it's located, but have thought some, and for what I am hoping to do with the guildhall if the others will let me, it might actually be perfect. I will get with each of them as they wake and see what they think. This is one thing I do not want to make on my own. I want this place to be someplace they would like to visit often..........

It has really felt good to be able to laugh. There are a few out there that have been able to do just that, make me laugh, and for them, I will be forever grateful to them for it. I truly do not know what I would have done without my friends. They have brought me so much laughter here lately.

We are so close now to getting our plot for the guild hall. In a way it brings me sadness. Knowing he was the one that talked me into and helped me so much with starting this guild and now he's not here to celebrate with us when we do get the plot. I still miss him so much some days. I know I will always have days like this. I am just thankful for my memories we were able to make together..........

I have come to realize I need to stop with the self pity here. He's not coming back, everyone knows this, I knew it deep in my heart. I feel it's time for me to get back out there and be that fun loving girl I use to be. Will I ever be at 100%??? No, I very well doubt that, but come to think of it, I really haven't been in a very long time, too much has taken place for me to be. So, I shall hold my head up high, smile and laugh almost like I use to do, and move on.

First order of business, recruiting and getting this guild up and running correctily. I've never been good at recruiting, so let's hope that they help me, which I do know with all my heart that Ze and Ams will be there for me, helping all the way.

Second, getting that mischievious part of me back. Somewhere along the way, I've lost that part of me, and now, I am on the path to finding it again.

Third, hmmm, I've forgotten again, must be me gettin old. Ahhh well, it will come to me eventually.......................

[FONT=Optima]It seems that I've been neglecting the guild and my friends way too much. I didn't mean to do this, but, alas, I did. I've hurt some of them, and I don't know what to do to make it better. That was the last thing I wanted to do. They all mean so much to me, specially Ams and Ze. I do know without them, I wouldn't be able to do this. I feel horrible that I've done this, and I don't know how to make it right. They seem to have accepted my apologies, and I am hoping they did. I want to be able to put this behind us and move forward, for us all to work together to get this guild right......................[/FONT]

Sometimes a good kick in the pants is just what you need to get you moving again. Not that the pain is gone, it never will be, but now, I feel I am almost back on track of where I need to be with getting this guild headin in the right direction. I know with Ze's and Am's help, we can do this....................

I've opened and closed this dang book so many times now, it's a wonder that the spine isn't worn out. I am trying my best to wake this guild up, but it's like the life has been sucked out of it. I can't even hardly get their input on the party. I really don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm not going to give up. If I even have to come out of my hiding to get these people to wake, then that's what I will do.

I fell asleep last night in one of the strangest places. I hardly ever fall asleep like that. Well, when I woke, I picked up my pack, getting ready to go back to farming, when I noticed how heavy it was. I looked in it, and wouldn't you know, they got me. Someone stuck so much useless trash in it, I couldn't help but laugh. It's the first time in a very long time someone has gotten me like that. Just goes to show, I'm not as perfect as I try to make people believe I am. So, my search starts of locating this culprit for a little pay back. If it is who I think it to be, then pay back is going to be so sweet.................

**you see deep black lines marking out words**




Ok, yeah, I know, I should really start to really write what I'm feeling, but, everytime I do, I just can't leave it there, and I would hate to tear out pages, although I have done that in the past.

I have come to hate waking most days. The pain is still there, it hasn't lessened any, just has grown. I know it won't always last, but, it feels like it will. If it wasn't for the ones I've promised I would sponsor, I would sign over leadership to Ze or Ams and just sleep for a long while. It's days like this that I just can't handle. I go from fine to this.....how can anyone put up with me, I can't even handle myself. I truly do not know what to do anymore. I am totally lost here and hating how I'm feeling, but have no clue on how to change it...................................

I've been approached by a couple of young ones, wanting me of all people to sponsor them. At first, I was terrified at the thought of doing that, but now, I realize I must. I believe that it will do me good, to show these young ones how to be a good rogue. I will give it my all to show them the ways of the brotherhood, tis really all I can do at this moment. It's been a while since last I brought a young one to the temple, too long I believe. With doing this, I know it will bring back to me why I am here and why I do mentor. I still remember when Angel brought me to the temple. That feeling of excitement and anticipation. Since then, I have come a long way. I've learned a lot, and I'm still learning. I believe that is all life really is, a huge learning lesson. From the moment we are born, we start to learn, and we don't stop til the day we leave these lands for a better place. The one thing I am hoping everyone can learn, to come together as a team and defeat Balthazar and free these lands of his influence.............

I know I should write more of how I am actually feeling, but for some reason, I just can't do that. Part of me is scared that if I do, it will show, and others will think I am weak. So, I sit here, in my hiding spot and reflect on everything that has happened. Someone mentioned to me that I need to pull myself up and get back out there and try to move on. I can see where they are coming from, and in some ways, yes I will move on, but in others, well, that part of me has died. It died when he left. It is something I have come to believe I will never get back. When we said our vows, I gave him my heart. He was so much a part of me, making me see how I am stronger than I thought myself to be, but this, I am not strong. He was my one weakness, and still is in some ways. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Will I ever feel the slightest bit of normalsy in my life again? These are questions that i reflect on now. There are others that swim around in this little head of mine that I don't think I will ever be able to voice or write down. If I was, I am terrified of what the answers might be. So I keep them locked tight in my head and in my heart along with the memories. It's the only place I truly have left that no one else can evade.

I still find it amazing how I told myself I would never let myself fall like I did again, and look what happened. Not only did I fall for him, I was lost in him. Everything I did was so I could see him smile, it was really the only thing I cared about. Don't get me wrong, I cared and still care deeply for my friends and my family, but him, it was him I would want to see smile and to hear laugh no matter what.

I must find myself again, among this pain and heartache. How I go about doing that, I don't know yet, but nothing has ever evaded me for long, so I do have faith that I will be able to accomplish this in due time. Until I do, I will go on, with a smile on my face, so no one will see this pain...............

I've come to realize he's not coming back. Does it make it easier on me? No, the pain will always be there. One good thing I do have is my memories, and that's something that no one will ever be able to take away from me. I will treasure them, always. I will move forward, concentrating on the guild and my friends. I will neveer be my old self again. A piece of me died when he left. But I will try my best to continue on. I do have the guild and my friends that have al helped me through this time. I will always be forever in their debt for all their help and kind words.

The party plans are coming along, we just need to settle on a date and time now, which shouldn't be too difficult to do, you would think..............

Another day, another day to wake with shattered dreams. Sometimes I hate waking, but I do it anyways, to try my best to carry on like all is ok. I smile on cue, but it's an empty smile. I laugh, but it's a hollowed laugh. I do these things to cover up the turmoil raging in me. It's come fairly easy now, this pretending. Only reason why I do go on is because I know that is what he would want me to do. My heart will mend a little over time, I do know this, but it's still no consulation for now.

I have the party to plan, then after that, will have to find something else to to keep my mind occupied. Along with the party, I need to get these guys to wake up, they are sleeping too much here lately. How do I go about doing that? Will have to think of something................

I have started my training again. I am back at the explorer's camp. It is about the only place we did not train together, so it makes it a little easier. It also helps for me to kill the madmen there, hoping with each one that falls, it will lessen my pain some. But alas, that is nothing but wishful thinking. Each day I wake, I keep hoping that this is some type of cruel joke someone is playing on me, that he will be here, laughing at my carrying on like this, but I know it's no joke, I know he's gone.

I've told my plans of the party to the rest of the guild, now it's just a matter of getting them to settle with a date and get them to help me on it.

I will push forward, because that is what he asked me to do....................

I do understand his reasonings of why he did what he did. I am not mad at him for it, I could never be mad at him. Does it make it easier? No, it will never make it easy. In time, the pain may lessen, but I truly doubt it. He owns my heart. He always will. I shall never forget, nor will I tolerate anything bad said about him. If people really knew him the way I got to know him, then how could they?

I shall move forward the best I can, putting all my energies into the guild. It is because of him that we started this together, and it's because of him that I believe with all my might that I can make this a success.

I have so many out there to thank, for trying to help me, for being there, listening to me, for not thinking any less of me when I do break down and cry. Ams, Ze, them two mainly, they are a godsend for me right now. Val, she's wonderful, trying to get me to laugh, along with Trip. Angel, my sponsor, one of my first true friends coming to these lands, how did I ever get so lucky in finding you, I thank you for everything, Teach. Gareth, you always find a way to make me laugh, even when I don't want to, I think I should still be mad at you for doing that, but alas, I can't be. Bryg, how can I ever thank you, for just listening, taking that step into the shadows to seek me out? Gry, for listening to me ramble. Cel, after everything, she seeked me out and just gave me a hug, how could I ever repay her? The list goes on and on. It's the little things people do, they may not even realize it, but it does help, a hug, a gentle smile, a joke, all of it helps.

It's the end of the day like now, when I'm winding down for the night that is the hardest, knowing that when I wake, I will not get to see his smiling eyes, or ever feel his warm embrace. Never will I again get to feel that safety again. At least I am trying to plan this party for the guild. Will take time, but I know with all of my wonderful members' help, we will be able to accomplish this. It's seeing this guild succeed that I live for now. It's all I have, my last thing I could possibly give him....................

[COLOR=yellow]No more dreams of warm hands and soft eyes,
No more hopes of gentle kisses in the night.
The realization of losing you is slow in sinking in.
I never wanted it to be my fault,
So why do I feel like it is?

I always wanted someone who could make me happy,
I yearned for someone to make me feel loved.
And I received all these useless questions,
Which the answers to we don't know.
All left to this pointless wonder.

I don't mean this to make you feel guilty,
It's just that I don't know what to say.
I never expected to ever lose you,
It hit me like a slap in the face.
I hope you know that I still love you.[/COLOR]

Empty, lost, wandering, confused, shattered. All hope is gone.............